You are lost, and confused, and you feel so agonizingly stuck. Give yourself grace. Bestow upon yourself the heaps of kindness and care that have been withheld from you.
Meditation is a part of the healing process and very helpful when present but it isn't the whole picture.
In this regard, the real miracle isn't that miracles happen. The real miracle is that some days we notice them, and on the most miraculous of days we can help others to notice with us.
The amount of vitriol spewed toward any who aren't on board with your vow is extremely antithetical.
What my diplomas in both Religion and Humanities also mean is that for most of my adult life I have been found pouring over sacred texts and literary tomes. I've devoted myself to the words, books, and writings of saints, poets, prophets, teachers, philosophers, novelists, and theologians.