July 29, 2017. It’s a date that will forever be etched in my mind. Every parents’ nightmare came true for me. My son died.
It was a sudden loss, and I was left with a profound hole in my heart. The grief was, and still can be, absolutely paralyzing. Needless to say, the grief I experienced completely threw my entire perspective of self out the window. For a time, the way I understood practice went down the tube. I couldn’t focus. I was overwhelmed. I was bewildered. While attempting to meditate, I would relive the deep hurt, as if it were the first day; that first, horrible day. I had images of him in the hospital, hooked up to tubes.I couldn’t shake seeing him in the coffin. I just wanted this to all go away.
I became frustrated and disillusioned. Meditation was a huge part of not only my Spiritual practice, but also necessary for positive mental health. It set the day right for me. Was I ever going to get better? Grief was an experience that I wanted relief from- would I no longer find this in meditation?! WTAF. I stopped. Completely. I could no longer deal.
A few months later, I participated in a Trance workshop, hoping to get back into my practice with a bit a guidance. For those who are not familiar with Trance, it’s essentially a form of guided meditation. I was incredibly nervous, becoming overwhelmed with the possibility that I could experience some deep feelings in front of a group of strangers. I finally said, “Fuck it! This way isn’t working for me, and I need to find a new way to do it.”
I recall the meditation begin. I became quiet, visualized the teachers words, and yet, the hurt, the pain, the images flooded back. Again, I said, “Fuck it!. I allowed myself to cry- and I mean a deep cry, a snot smearing cry. I hurt. I felt like I was going to barf. In that moment of deep grief, the message was clear: I needed this to happen. I needed to flow through this pain, in order to connect deeper to the energy around me. I cried some more. I even laughed at some point. Even more important: I was present. More present than I have ever been. When the meditation was over, a weight had been lifted.
I was more present than I had ever been since my son’s death. I was able to release, and accept my new normal. In allowing myself to go with the flow, rather than hold back, I took myself to a place of healing, of deeper understanding, a place of peace, and connectedness.
If there is anything that I have taken from that day, it is this: our practice is one that is ever flowing, and ever changing. If we are will to go with it, it will take us to places deeper than we ever expected. It truly is about letting go, in order to free ourselves from the confines of our brains, our selves, our egos. In deep suffering, there is peace.
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Dood B. Here
Dood B. Here
“I create, as I speak.”