Why did you first become curious about the Dharma, or spirituality in general for that matter? I bet more than one reason just popped into your head… and none of them were the thought of becoming your favorite statue or painting of a fat dude with a dumb grin, or the other depiction, getting that sweet hairdo to go with half open meditating eyes. No you jumped because you like all of us saw a way to work through things. Letting go, growing, or simply filling gaps in the beliefs you already had. I catch the gripe constantly that I have brought the Dharma to a profane place. Let’s be honest the Buddha himself ruffled a lot of feathers of the people of his time. He bucked the long entrenched Brahman belief system and the ever popular caste system shenanigans. Maybe we need to apply ourselves similarly to our current situation and what is before us.
We live in an age where shock value is so commonly used that it is in itself a means of communication. One thing the Dharma has always done very well is to evolve to fit it’s audience, the age it was being taught in, and what exactly was the intent behind the message being conveyed. The Buddha didn’t tread lightly where he went, so I say it isn’t always of dire consequence that we hit the scene like Mr. Rodgers. That isn’t where the Dharma is needed. Besides that, true and real growth of the spiritual variety is like pulling off every bandaid you’ve ever had all at the same time.
Real substantive growth occurs at the ends of our comfort zone. And dare I say the further we venture out past the breakers the more rewarding the venture becomes. This kind of growth comes with the occasional (more often for some of us, including yours truly) stubbed toe reaction. So don’t feel as though you yourself let down or the Buddha for the occasional angry outburst. You are learning, you are growing, neither are easy prospects. Being yourself and being okay with that is part of the path.